Are you serious? We have taken a solemn blood oath-sprinkled with eye of Newt-by the light of the moon -on a starry October night, to NEVER to go on vacation again, at least not with each other.
Did you ever see National Lampoon's Vacation? ( Minus Cristie Brinkley) THAT is how our family is.. I am not kidding. Totally serious.
The only reason we did not tie poor ole dead Aunt Bessie on the roof if because we didn't have her with us. Really, we just get out of control. Here at work everyone knows about our little family outings... it's embarrassing.
We went to the shore a few times... got lost EVERY time.. NO kidding. I know you won't believe this, but I have a husband who refuses to ask directions. HA!!
urple: This was pre-GPS mind you. ... the one year it took us FOUR hours to get there.. we are talking a 2 hour trip MAX.
Hubby took a "wrong turn" and refused to ask for help...my daughter kept insisting that "we took that same wrong turn the last year.!!"... "Oh my God, we are IDIOTS!!!"..... we kept telling her that NO we did not.
Well.. it was the trip from HELL... we vowed never again to go anywhere for any reason.
Well, we tried it again the next year.. this time mom would drive... GUESS WHAT? Hubby told me to turn at that same turn... I said NO. he said yes.... I knew it was wrong. I drove for 2 hours and insisted it was NOT right... he kept saying we were on the right track....I finally pulled in MdDonalds and went in and announced that I was traveling with a husband who had NO idea where we were going and refused to ask.. So it was up to me to save us.
This one nice lady broke the news to me , and I quote.. " Honey, you are almost at the border of New York...you aren't anywhere near Cape May Honey..."
WHATTTTT!!!!???? GRRRRRR... so, I went out and announced to the family that SURPRISE, we are now vacationing in New York!..
My husband acted very non-chalant and said.. "Oh for God's sake, you always have to overreact.... all we gotta do is ride down the coast ... and we are there."
After I blackened his eye, I then replied "YES, the ENTIRE COAST OF NEW JERSEY YOU STINKIN *@#!!... that's the whole way down that "side" !!!"
The kids are ready to take hostages at this point... the radio in the car did NOT work... the AC was on it's last legs..(94 Cherokee) it was at least 115 degrees out I swear. We took a turn and headed down the coast... then realized we were NOT on the right road. I insisted that we stop at the next hotel and ask directions.
By this time the kids were soaking wet with sweat and irritated as hell. p0p
14 year old Juanita was manning the registration desk in the hotel and we asked here where Route ? was and she said huh?? whuh? NEVER MIND! :x
We used the facilities and my kids stole every muffin/cookie they could find at the complimentary continental breakfast nook in the lobby... doin' their mama proud.......Pity the fool who tries to stop us.. we been on the road for about 4 hours and we were takin' no prisoners!
We went back out to the car and our oldest child made a run for it! She screamed that she "Hated every Friggin' (edited) one of us and "she hoped we all died in the hot car on the way to the shore!!!!!!!!!!!! "
I then told my hubby to walk across the road to the bus terminal to ask directions...I figured they would know where it was...NO, he said.. we'll just wing it.
I had to remove the stones from my kids hands as I was sure they were about to stone daddy clear to death right here in the parking lot of Howard Johnson's. I mean, he's a real weiner, but he doesn't deserve a stoning.. at least not yet.
After I personally threatened him, he asked for directions .... we were FINALLY on the right road.... cheer up kids, I can smell the sea water!!! or so I thought...
We got right and went about 5 miles when we were supposed to turn onto a major highway.... we went down the on ramp and guess what???? Brake lights as far as the eye can see.. and I mean for MILES!! My older child began speaking in tongues and I could have sworn I saw her head rotate 360 degrees.
It was at this crucial point of our journey the AC died.. along with our hopes and dreams.
My youngest declared that she was gonna puke and die , not necessarily in that order....
SHe was SOOO HOOOOTTTT, she can't stand it....
Dear Jonelle told her to shut her friggin' "pie hole" or ELSE!!
Dad is yelling at everyone to shut up or he is gonna "bust some friggin' heads!!" (I had to stop here and bust a gutt laughing.. just remembering...)
I told Kate she was sitting in the blazing sun.. move in the middle seat and then Jonelle said " If her friggin'(edited) clammy skin touches me, I will remove her EYES with this ice scraper !!!
So far so good..
I then announced that I , too, was going to vomit I was so hot and I had to pee really bad NOW. Traffic was crawling and since we had no radio, we had no idea why.
I told him to pull over as I was going to go in the grassy knoll on the side of the road.. he wouldn't have it.
Everyone on the road was enraged.. screaming, yelling at each other. There was a guy next to us in a "big rig" who was shouting out the window that he was gonna "kill that sum-*****" in front of him and proceeded to inch his truck up beside this guys rear quarter panel!! I was really getting nervous and the kids were shouting in unison out the window... "yeah! Kill him!! smash him!! YEAHHHH!!!!" p0p kids........
It took us 57 minutes ,on that hot parking lot of a highway, to go 1.5 miles to the first exit...that exit sign was like a sighting of Jesus Christ himself at this point....I think I remember weeping.
So, 6 HOURS later, we arrived at Cape May, New Jersey!!!! Thank GOD for Exit zero!!
We staggered out of the car, sick, wet and beaten down just as far as we could go... we stumbled into that cool hotel room and dropped all the bags... it was at this moment that my youngest, Kate, announced "Okay, who wants to HIT THE BEACH!!???"
Kate has never been seen or heard from since... and that, my friends, is why we don't do vacations.
