This is pretty funny?and factual around here!
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]
[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, Times]
[/FONT] Tools And Their REAL Purpose
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]
[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 1. DRILL PRESS:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A tall upright machine useful
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]out of your hands so that it smacks you in the [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]chest and flings your beer across the room,
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]splattering it against that freshly
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]painted part you were drying.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 2. WIRE WHEEL:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]them somewhere under the workbench
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] with the speed of light.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]earned guitar calluses in about the time
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]it takes you to say, "SH**!!!"
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Normally used for spinning pop rivets
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]in their holes until you die of old age.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 4. PLIERS:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 5. HACKSAW:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]One of a family of cutting tools built
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]on the Ouija board principle:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]It transforms human energy into a
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]more you attempt to influence its course,
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]the more dismal your future becomes.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 6. VISE GRIP PLIERS:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] Used to round off bolt heads.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]If nothing else is available, they can also
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]be used to transfer intense welding heat to
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] the palm of your hand.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] objects in your shop on fire.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Once used for working on older British cars and [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]searching for the last 15 minutes.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Used for lowering an automobile to the ground [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]after you have installed your new disk brake pads,
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]off a hydraulic jack handle.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 11. TWEEZERS:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A tool for removing splinters of wood,
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]especially Douglas fir.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 12. TELEPHONE:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]another hydraulic floor jack.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]feces from your boots.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]harder than any known drill bit.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A handy tool for testing the tensile strength
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]the end without the handle.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]See hacksaw.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 18. TROUBLE LIGHT:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]The home builder's own tanning booth.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]not otherwise found under cars at night.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]More often dark than light,
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]its name is somewhat misleading.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt;
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]can also be used, as the name implies, to round off
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] the interiors of Phillips screw heads.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 20. AIR COMPRESSOR:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A machine that takes energy produced in a [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]transforms it into compressed air that travels
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 21. PRY BAR:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]that clip or bracket you needed to remove in
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]order to replace a 50 cent part.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 22. HOSE CUTTER:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]23. HAMMER:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]hammer now-a-days is used as a kind of
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] divining rod to locate expensive parts
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] not far from the object we are trying to hit.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Used to open and slice through the contents of [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]works particularly well on boxes containing
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]parts and the other hand not holding the knife.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]
[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, Times]
[/FONT] Tools And Their REAL Purpose
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]
[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 1. DRILL PRESS:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A tall upright machine useful
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]out of your hands so that it smacks you in the [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]chest and flings your beer across the room,
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]splattering it against that freshly
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]painted part you were drying.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 2. WIRE WHEEL:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]them somewhere under the workbench
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] with the speed of light.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]earned guitar calluses in about the time
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]it takes you to say, "SH**!!!"
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Normally used for spinning pop rivets
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]in their holes until you die of old age.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 4. PLIERS:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 5. HACKSAW:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]One of a family of cutting tools built
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]on the Ouija board principle:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]It transforms human energy into a
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]more you attempt to influence its course,
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]the more dismal your future becomes.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 6. VISE GRIP PLIERS:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] Used to round off bolt heads.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]If nothing else is available, they can also
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]be used to transfer intense welding heat to
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] the palm of your hand.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] objects in your shop on fire.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Once used for working on older British cars and [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]searching for the last 15 minutes.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Used for lowering an automobile to the ground [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]after you have installed your new disk brake pads,
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]off a hydraulic jack handle.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 11. TWEEZERS:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A tool for removing splinters of wood,
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]especially Douglas fir.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 12. TELEPHONE:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]another hydraulic floor jack.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]feces from your boots.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]harder than any known drill bit.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A handy tool for testing the tensile strength
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]the end without the handle.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]See hacksaw.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 18. TROUBLE LIGHT:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]The home builder's own tanning booth.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]not otherwise found under cars at night.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]More often dark than light,
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]its name is somewhat misleading.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt;
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]can also be used, as the name implies, to round off
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] the interiors of Phillips screw heads.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 20. AIR COMPRESSOR:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A machine that takes energy produced in a [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]transforms it into compressed air that travels
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 21. PRY BAR:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]that clip or bracket you needed to remove in
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]order to replace a 50 cent part.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 22. HOSE CUTTER:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]23. HAMMER:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]hammer now-a-days is used as a kind of
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] divining rod to locate expensive parts
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] not far from the object we are trying to hit.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times] 24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]Used to open and slice through the contents of [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]works particularly well on boxes containing
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times]parts and the other hand not holding the knife.
[/FONT]
