Laughter.... the color of life

[prariepunk]

Revenge

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you *POOP* on its head.

 

[prariepunk]

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test TICKLES".

 

[prariepunk]

Ready, Aim...
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

 

[prariepunk]

Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little *snot* on your knee."

 

[prariepunk]

poetic justice?
George Bush gets shot in a hunting accident and dies.....
Obviously, he goes to hell and finds the devil is waiting for him there.
-----"I'm not sure what to do", says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." George thinks that sounded pretty good, so he agrees.
-----The devil opens the first room: In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He keeps diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."
-----The devil leads him to the next room: In it is Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. Tony stands over a pile of rocks swinging the hammer, time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder", commented George. "I'd be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day."
-----The devil opened a third door: In it, George sees Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle position. Bent over him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush stares at the scene in disbelief for a while and finally says, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiles and says, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go.

 

[prariepunk]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME !!!!

 

[prariepunk]

This must be my Doctor >

 

[prariepunk]

Nuns were never this playful when I went to catholic school

 

[prariepunk]

I sent this to my Coast Guard buddy while he was in New Orleans during Katrina.... he got a good laugh outta it

 

[prariepunk]

Ohio Christmas :-?

 

[prariepunk]

http://blog.wired.com/tableofmalcontents/index.blog?from=20060601

I think this is how my house gets picked up?

 

[prariepunk]

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My @$$ itches, and I can't scratch it!"

 

[prariepunk]

Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

 

[prariepunk]

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

 

[prariepunk]

 

[prariepunk]

Somebody from California apparently wrote the top part, but somebody from Texas came back and put them on thier BE-HIND'S at the bottom.

CALIFORNIA:

- I can wear sandals all year long

- I go to the Beach - not "down to the shore"

- Our chicks are WAYYYY hotter than yours. Well...Miami can hang.

- I say "like" and "for sure" and "right on" and "dude" and "totally" and "peace out" and "chill" and "tight" and "bro" and I say them often

- I know what real cheese & avocados taste like

- Everyone smokes weed and its no big deal

- We'll roll up 40 deep when something goes down.

- I live next door to Mexicans, but we call them American's!

- All the porn you watch is made here, cause we're better and thats how it is

- I don't get snowdays off because theres only snow in Mammoth, Tahoe, Shasta, and Big Bear

- I know 65 mph really means 100

- When someone cuts me off, they get the horn and the finger and high speed chase cuz we dont f&#k around on the road

- The drinking age is 21 but everyone starts at 14 (legally 18 if you live close enough to the border)

- My governor can kick your governors BE-HIND

- I can go out at midnight

- You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code

- I might get looked at funny by locals when I'm on vacation in their state, but when they find out I'm from California I turn into a Greek GOD

- We don't stop at stop signs... we do a "california roll" No cop no stop baby!

- I can get fresh and REAL Mexican food 24 hours a day

- All the TV shows you "other" states watch get filmed here

- We're the Golden State. Not the Cheese State. Not the Garden State.....GOLDEN!!!

- We have In-N-Out (Arizona and Vegas are lucky we share that with them)

- I have the most representation in the House of Representatives, which means MY opinion means more than yours, which means I'm better than you [geez.... hahaha]

- The best athletes come from here

*******IF YOU'RE FROM CALIFORNIA, REPOST THIS*******
******IF YOU'RE NOT, GO SIT IN A CORNER AND CRY******

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

TEXAS:

Ahem... So.. Um.. yeah... I read this, and thought I would reply...


Hey... California listen up... Texas is where its at!

- I too can wear sandals all year long... plus I can put on boots to stomp your toes and I won't even stick out.

- You may be able to go to the "beach" instead of the "shore"... but can you go to the drive thru "Beer Barn?" What now surfer boy?

- You're chicks aren't way hotter than ours... they are almost equal... and thats only due to silicone, saline, botox, lasers and hair dye... We have the real ones and they can beat yours up.

- We're taught to say "Yes Sir" and "Yes Ma'am" and respect our elders because of it. We also say "Howdy" and "fixin" and "Yall" are pretty much recognized right away anywhere in the world We're famous

- You may know what real cheese and avocados taste like... but I know what 100% Grade A Angus Beef tastes like. Who wants avocados and cheese when you can have steak and potatoes?

- Haha... who do you think grows the weed and sells it to you?

- Why roll 40 deep when something goes down if 5 corn fed country boys can get the job done...

- I live next door to americans *Edited For Content*

- About your Porn.... 3 words... "Debbie Does Dallas"... You can brag about it now, but we started it

- Why would you brag about not getting snow days off?

- We're smart enought to know 65mph means 65, but our speed limit is 70.

- - When someone cuts me off, they get run over by my big honkin' truck, then I give them the finger and tell them to go back to california.

- The drinking age is 21, but if you aren't chasin the beer by 1 yr old... you're behind.

- Yeah, Well my governor became the President of the United States... Yours isn't even eligible.

- You can go out at midnight? Thats nice, I haven't even come home by then.

- Ok... you said,"You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code" and as hard as I try I have no idea what you're talking about... I think you're watching too much tv.

- Yeah, you'll definitely get looked funny when you come to visit but we have another name for you pretty boys, and its not greek, its french.

- Of course you don't stop at stop signs... none of you can drive.

- You can pick up Real mexican food 24 hours a day huh... *Edited For Content*

- All the tv shows get filmed there... but where does your favorite poker game from? Texas Hold'em anyone?

- You can keep your golden state... We're the Lone Star State...the one and only!!

- Do I have to remind you about the drive thru Beer Barn again? Does In-N-Out serve alcohol? (Oh and did I mention Dr. Pepper was created in Texas?)

- You guys have the best athletes huh?... Eight words... Lance Armstrong and The University of Texas at Austin


Though I could mention MICHAEL JOHNSON - Olympic Sprinter, World record holder in 200m and 400m, 5 Olympic Gold metals, 9 time World Champion (born Dallas, Tx)

Oh and remind me agian who won the Rose Bowl between USC and Texas????? I believe it was the LONGHORNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Football is a religion, not a sport

- In Texas, football means football, not soccer.

- 90% of football "movies" you guys are making are about Texas Football.

- Texas is the only state that can still separate to become its own country. The only way California's gonna accomplish that is if another earthquake comes along and you guys sink into the ocean. Can you say Atlantis.... hahaha

Come on Texans Show Your Colors! Repost!

And as the Great Sam Houston once said "Texas could survive without the United States, but the United States could not survive without TEXAS!"


I THOUGHT 90XJay would get a kick outta this


*Edited For Content* = See Prariepunk for un-edited version

 

[Gone&DoneIt]

TEXAS:

Ahem... So.. Um.. yeah... I read this, and thought I would reply...


Hey... California listen up... Texas is where its at!

- I too can wear sandals all year long... plus I can put on boots to stomp your toes and I won't even stick out.

- You may be able to go to the "beach" instead of the "shore"... but can you go to the drive thru "Beer Barn?" What now surfer boy?

- You're chicks aren't way hotter than ours... they are almost equal... and thats only due to silicone, saline, botox, lasers and hair dye... We have the real ones and they can beat yours up.

- We're taught to say "Yes Sir" and "Yes Ma'am" and respect our elders because of it. We also say "Howdy" and "fixin" and "Yall" are pretty much recognized right away anywhere in the world We're famous

- You may know what real cheese and avocados taste like... but I know what 100% Grade A Angus Beef tastes like. Who wants avocados and cheese when you can have steak and potatoes?

- Haha... who do you think grows the weed and sells it to you?

- Why roll 40 deep when something goes down if 5 corn fed country boys can get the job done...

- I live next door to americans *Edited For Content*

- About your Porn.... 3 words... "Debbie Does Dallas"... You can brag about it now, but we started it

- Why would you brag about not getting snow days off?

- We're smart enought to know 65mph means 65, but our speed limit is 70.

- - When someone cuts me off, they get run over by my big honkin' truck, then I give them the finger and tell them to go back to california.

- The drinking age is 21, but if you aren't chasin the beer by 1 yr old... you're behind.

- Yeah, Well my governor became the President of the United States... Yours isn't even eligible.

- You can go out at midnight? Thats nice, I haven't even come home by then.

- Ok... you said,"You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code" and as hard as I try I have no idea what you're talking about... I think you're watching too much tv.

- Yeah, you'll definitely get looked funny when you come to visit but we have another name for you pretty boys, and its not greek, its french.

- Of course you don't stop at stop signs... none of you can drive.

- You can pick up Real mexican food 24 hours a day huh... *Edited For Content*

- All the tv shows get filmed there... but where does your favorite poker game from? Texas Hold'em anyone?

- You can keep your golden state... We're the Lone Star State...the one and only!!

- Do I have to remind you about the drive thru Beer Barn again? Does In-N-Out serve alcohol? (Oh and did I mention Dr. Pepper was created in Texas?)

- You guys have the best athletes huh?... Eight words... Lance Armstrong and The University of Texas at Austin


Though I could mention MICHAEL JOHNSON - Olympic Sprinter, World record holder in 200m and 400m, 5 Olympic Gold metals, 9 time World Champion (born Dallas, Tx)

Oh and remind me agian who won the Rose Bowl between USC and Texas????? I believe it was the LONGHORNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Football is a religion, not a sport

- In Texas, football means football, not soccer.

- 90% of football "movies" you guys are making are about Texas Football.

- Texas is the only state that can still separate to become its own country. The only way California's gonna accomplish that is if another earthquake comes along and you guys sink into the ocean. Can you say Atlantis.... hahaha

Come on Texans Show Your Colors! Repost!

And as the Great Sam Houston once said "Texas could survive without the United States, but the United States could not survive without TEXAS!"


I THOUGHT 90XJay would get a kick outta this


*Edited For Content* = See Prariepunk for un-edited version

-proudly wipes tear from eye,... tips back ice cold Ziggenbock,... breathes in the East Texas evening and thinks,... "I know there are a bunch of other places in the world out there,... I've just never understood why."... leans back, closes eyes and dozes off to the Cicadas....

-I miss home Ya'll-

 

[prariepunk]

I thought somebody'd get a kick outta this. I didn't know you were from Tx. G&D it, I know 90XJay is (He won't let you forget )

 

[Gone&DoneIt]

YES SIR!!! Spent damn near 20 years there. It's home. Grew up around Nacogdoches/Lufkin area. Spent high school near Houston. Those are my stompin grounds,...

loved the post!

"What do you get when you cross a Texan and a Californian?......."










"a third degree beating"....

someone drink a cold Ziggenbock for me, I'm gonna go run over Blond little Utah folks now.

 

[Jay R.]

Praire Punk, Where did you get the WackRabbits???

Great thread by the way, got me in tears!